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Do It Yourself

If you’re a child, sit in your parents’ room and wait until someone cuddles you. Of course nobody must know what you’re up to. You’re thought of as a child who doesn’t like being cuddled. But sometimes you like to hope that someone will have a sudden revelation, somebody will read your mind. Go on sitting there and clench your little fists in anticipation.

When you grow up, try a more complicated version, for adults. Spend all night awake, stare at the ceiling until dawn comes and you have to get up. Think about what to say to him. First thing in the morning go to the bus stop, listen to the raucous, happy bird song. Go past the newspaper kiosk, read all the glaring headlines. Get on the number ten bus in the hope of still having some remnants of personal space left. Unfortunately that won’t happen. Don’t forget to create lots of these illusory hopes for yourself. Smell the early morning odour of people, have it stop you from concentrating. Think extremely hard about what you’re going to say to him. He’s been diagnosed with cancer. Although it’s only at the earliest stage, and not so hard to cure, he’s decided to hide at home under the bedclothes and wait for the end. Someone’s got to tell him to switch to a more positive way of thinking. Remember that you and positive thinking are a very unfunny joke. As you enter the lift, hold your breath. Even if it’s a new lift, totally different from the one in the block where Granny lives, a spacious, talking lift. Count the floors on the display, all the while wondering what you’re going to say to him in this situation. Clench your fists. Wonder whether to declare your love for him, the secret you’ve kept for all these years. Torment yourself with thoughts of how he’s going to react. When the door opens and you see his sister, who has come back to Poland from London specially, panic. Immediately forget what you wanted to say. Go inside and look at him, lying there with the bedclothes pulled up to the tip of his nose. He’ll look like a spoiled child seeking attention. Go up to him. Lean over him. Look him right in the eyes. Raise your hand. Bring it close to his face. Hit him as hard as you possibly can and tell him firmly to pull himself together, or else you’ll murder him before the cancer does. Take a large gulp of water from his glass and sit down in an armchair. Look at his surprised face. Scoff the piece of chocolate cake that’s on the table and leave the room. As his sister catches you up in the corridor and tells you never to come back again, what sort of a girlfriend are you, he doesn’t really care about you, just stop and listen to her jabbering. Remember to stay stony-faced. Behave as if there were at least an ounce of truth in all her gibberish. Don’t say a word in reply. Don’t defend yourself. Let her think, like everyone else around, that you’re heartless. Then go home and go to bed. You won’t sleep a wink tonight either. I guarantee it.

 

Translated by Antonia Lloyd-Jones 

Artwork

Artwork credit: 
黄丽莹, Beijing Film Academy

Our Partners

Flash Europa 28 is organised and run in cooperation with the Delegation of the European Union to China, the embassies of each of the 28 EU member states, The Bookworm, Literature Across Frontiers, and social media platforms in China.